Things To Do Without Your PC When You Have No Internet Connection

In response to one of today’s top posts on wordpress, titled “Five Things To Do With A PC When You Have No Internet Connection” and the comments left by bloggers, I have decided to create a list for the uninspired.

And I quote DG, author of said post: “But people shouldn’t need a list of things to do without a computer, at least, I hope they don’t.”

This is for you – I see you – that person who so is lost when you lose your internet connection that you want to throw yourself down on the floor, sobbing like a little child. You, the person who is so agitated at losing said connection that you want to throw their PC out the window. (Now, if you were using a Mac, as you should, you wouldn’t have that feeling as they are not aggravating in the least – with or without an internet connection.)

Therefore, I’ve created a list of several things to do without your computer when you have no internet connection.

#1: Pay your internet bill. Yes, it’s that simple. Call them on your phone (remember that thing?) and pay it that way, so you can instantaneously be reconnected. Note: Next time, pay your bills on time to prevent this from happening ever again. No one likes to see a grown man or woman, sob like a little child, with snot and drool oozing out of every facial orifice.

#2: If you have already paid your bill, call your ISP. After going through a dozen automated menus whilst repeatedly pressing “0″ and saying “No no no no no!” to the robotic voice, you WILL get a live person on the line. Discuss your situation and demand it be fixed immediately. While the person on the line will have an accent foreign to yours and you won’t be able to understand half what they are saying, somehow they know how to caress your internet connection back to life. Thank them profusely, hang up, then cover your monitor with slobbery, snotty kisses.

#3: Blow your nose. GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN! (or MAN!)

#4: Get back to your surfing/working/procrastinating/blogging/myspacing old self.

ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS
If the above-listed actions fail for one reason or another, here’s an alternative list of things to do:

#1: Take a shower. You know you’ve been sitting at that computer far too long. Is it snowing? No, that’s just the dandruff falling out of your dirty hair. Ew, GROSS!

#2: The two most-popular responses to DG’s post: a) GO OUTSIDE!!! or if it’s too cold (18 degrees here and very windy today) then b) read a book. If you don’t own any books (wtf?) go to your local library, get a card and start your reading adventure. Better yet, see #3.

#3: If you are absolutely devastated, seriously, go visit your local library. Many libraries have public computers you can use, as long as you are a card-carrying member and/or don’t try to surf for porn. They usually have a time limit anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. This will get you your fix as well as getting yourself a bit of fresh air! (see #2,a.)

#4: Play with your pets. If you don’t have any pets, go adopt one from a local animal shelter. They are teeming with unwanted animals who are begging to be loved.

#5: Make cookies for your sweetie/ailing family member/neighbors. Everyone likes sweet surprises.

#6: Clean your house/apartment/garage. These things don’t clean themselves.

#7: Get a new hobby. My preferred ones are knitting, writing, photography and making scary snowmen who are vaguely reminiscent of Chuckie.

If all else fails, you truly need professional help. Look in the yellow pages (yes they still print those things) under the letter T, for therapy. Find one. Make an appointment. Go get well. That will get you outside, too…if only for a little while.

February 07, 2007 @ 12:31